Monday, October 02, 2006

Where I Fit In

We fit where we want to fit I think, in this country anyway. We have it good here compared to other parts of the world.

To say that all I can ever be is a "Carny", would be bullshit. I do know some people who will only ever be "Carnies" though, they don't really fit anywhere else.

The "Carny" life did "choose me" at a young age, in a manner of speaking, I was naturally wired for it though, some are not.

My brothers tried it, they were given the opportunity, or curse if you will, they weren't built for it though. They went on to lead normal lives, get married, have kids, nice houses, white picket fences, then there's me.

No one in the family says it, but they all think it, I'm a waste, I could have done better. I see it on their faces when I roll into whatever city they're in to play a fair. They pick me up at the lot and take me home for a couple days, to visit nephews and nieces that barely know me, that might see me once a year, briefly.

Do I regret it? No.

I'll tell you why.

I'm on my own path in life, we all have our own roads to go down. If you truly want to be unhappy, try doing what other people think you should be doing.

We all have an inner voice that whispers to us, all people have it I think, mine tells me not to worry about tomorrow, "things will be what they will be".

So I don't waste a lot of time worrying about stupid shit.

2 comments:

kmkluvr said...

love all your writings, thank you

BlackRose said...

I don't even know where to begin, or if you will ever read this, but I want to start by saying thank you. Truly.. I'm between tears and laughter after having read your blog. I've seen such sorrow and defeat out there- the dreams of people lost before they had the chance to make it out of childhood, even. I think you are right that everyone has a voice that whispers, but most never get the chance to hear it let alone act on it. You were blessed, I think.
Currently I am trying to find the courage to speak out in the same way, because the sad truth of the matter is that it appears many people never really Live, and carry regrets such as you (-and I strive to-) avoid. It may be naive of me, but I really wish for people to just be themselves and find their own path to happiness.. I had a plan to do something about this. Act on it with writing a book, and a not-for-profit.. It's a bit hard for me to actually approach the concept right now ever since my boyfriend/fiance died 4 months ago, (since he and I were going to do these things together,) but I'm working on it.. It's too important to me to ignore. Anyway, thank you for telling your story. Your perseverance is an inspiration, and it's prodded me along to try again to step forward.